Have you ever felt you want to opt out of life? Not in the ‘permanent’ kind of way – but more in the need to escape society and all its responsibilities. In July 2009 I hit a wall to do with work, life and my whole existence. I literally wanted to run away and join the circus or go be a hermit in the mountains – far away from everything and everyone. I spent weeks trying to figure out how I could financially pull it off…but it just wasn’t possible. My only option would be to move back in with my parents but that was not a solution either. In hindsight, I see it was a Dark Night of the Soul which I’ll write more about one day.
Not long after that that I had a really weird dream that had a clear message. It was a spiritual slap in the face for me at the time.
In the dream…
I find myself walking along a path that turns into a strand of hair or rope. This turns into a strand of spider web so large I’m like a fly on it. It’s a massive golden spider web. The web is so big I’m able to walk along it like a footpath.
I desperately want to get off because I know there’s a massive spider on it somewhere slowly coming towards me. ( I’m very scared of spiders in my dreams and in real life). But I can’t get off because I’m afraid that in my attempt to climb off I’ll get caught up in the other strands and get stuck. So the only thing I can think to do it to just let myself fall off into the abyss. Which is also scary because I don’t know what’s in the abyss.
I fall through the air, fall through a tree and collect a beehive on the way down. I hit the ground and when I awake the bees have swarmed all over my body and are buzzing angrily although not yet stinging me. Any big movements I make to get up or yell for help upsets them and they start to sting me…so I’m essentially paralysed unless I want to get stung. I see my family off in the distance and start yelling faintly out to them trying to keep very still so as not to upset the bees. Its an odd feeling trying to yell out for help from the corner of your mouth.
My family can’t yet see me but I can see them looking for me. As I lie there on the ground something insect like tries to crawl into my ear because it has something to tell me. At this point I really panic as I’m convinced its a spider trying to get in my ear. On one hand I know its trying to tell me something, and due to its small size it has a small voice which is why its trying to get into my ear (so that I could hear it)….but on the other hand I’m freaking out. So I put my fingers in my ears to prevent it getting in. Moving however gets the bees angry and so they start to sting me.
After what felt like hours of silent internal screaming, my family sees me and comes over to save me. They pick me up and instantly I know everything will be OK and that my ordeal is over. However, Dad says “These stings will stay with you, and every year they’ll flare up and attract bees”.
That’s when I woke up. And I immediate knew what the message behind it was – no idea how…just a gut feeling. It was telling me that:
Yes my current path is scary and yes I could drop off it if I wanted to (after all I have free will) and my family will save me and I’ll live an ok life. But I’ll always regret it and it will continue to bother me on some level for the rest of my life. But….the path I’m on is also a golden one and if I choose to stay on it, it may be a scary journey in parts but its also a magical and an amazing one…literally a golden path.
And so over the next few months I stewed – do I throw it all in or do I keep going.
I decided to keep going. And my life since then has indeed been a scary but magical journey and I’m glad I’ve chosen this path. Because it allowed me to touch the face of God not long after.